Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Home With Baby

At long last, we were able to come home with Nolan today. The Nurses and Doctors were satisfied enough with his 4% weight gain on Monday that they felt comfortable letting us go home. That's where it all begins.

I know deep down that this is one of the happiest times of my life right now. There is nothing I like more than sitting with Nolan while he's asleep or while he's awake taking in the world around him, but I can't help but have these thoughts of horror. I worry constantly that he's not eating enough, or that we're feeding him too much, or the wrong way. This poor guy has absolutely no way to communicate with us other than cry.

Ever since I can remember, I've always felt and acted very grown up. I always pictured myself getting married, buying a house and having kids, etc..., but I never really understood what a daunting task that raising a child really is.

I found myself on one of the first nights absolutely distraught over something that had happened with Nolan and all I could do was cry. I'm trying my best to be there in every way for Natasha, but there are times when I wish I could be somewhere else being someone else.

Please don't read this and think that I'm going off the deep end here. This is something that we will surely get through and most assuredly look back and laugh at.

Yesterday we finally figured out a system of feeding him. It didn't always work to perfection, but it rarely strayed too far from the plan. We got him home this afternoon and started a feed shortly thereafter, everything went fine. The second time we tried to feed, he started giving us problems and we could not figure out what the cause was.

He eventually calmed down and ate for a short amount of time. These are the type of feeds that scare me, the ones that seem to be going so well just to come to a short and unexpected end. I begin stressing immediately about his food intake and start picturing in my head the nights when he wasn't getting any food at all and all we could do was cry with him because we didn't know what to do.

The only thing that seems to stay with me is the overwhelming thought that if I don't make the right choices I could ruin him forever, that is what I think scares me the most. There is such an emotional high and low when it comes to being a parent. I feel completely helpless when he cries and I can't figure out why, but on the flip side, I feel such a sense of relief when Natasha tells me that he has a good latch and is feeding well. It's sometimes almost too much to deal with at once.

I love Natasha and Nolan with all of my heart, I've even found some heart I didn't know I had and loved them with that too. I am just in total fear of causing irreparable harm.

This is truly one of the scariest and happiest moments in my life.


Kim said...

Nolan is beautiful and healthy and you guys are doing everything right. Try to relax and enjoy every minute (even the not so easy ones) because if you blink your eyes he will be 25 with a baby of his own. Don't miss a second worrying about being a good dad, you are amazing xoxoxoxoooxoxoxo

S.M. said...

Congratulations. You are going to make a wonderful father, I just know it. Nolan is lucky to have you and Natasha as parents.

patsyrose said...

Believe it or not, you and Natasha are going through what every new parents do. I saw Nolan today and what I saw was a completely satisfied, completely healthy, completely clean little baby who was sound asleep.

Stop worrying and know that you're all doing just fine and, if problems arise, your doctor and your family will be right there to help set things straight.

New parents learn as they go and you're no different. Just wait and see how much more confident you are when little "Achmedina" arrives.


patsyrose said...

Oh yes, if you occasionally wish you were in another life just wait until your kids are teenagers. Some parents even run away from home!


Shelley said...

Welcome to parenthood! Those feelings of terror never completely go away. I believe a good parent questions themselves with every decision they make, and then second guess that decision. It's the reason we're all nuts! LOL
You and Natasha are doing a GREAT job, working to identify problems and working even harder to solve them. Nolan is a perfectly healthy, prefectly normal baby. Enjoy him while he's so tiny, it certainly doesn't last long. Try not to sweat the little things - there are always going to be good days/hours/minutes and bad days/hours/minutes. You will eventually learn to look at the big picture but probably not until baby #2! :-)